r/AITAH Mar 17 '21

r/AITAH Lounge


A place for members of r/AITAH to chat with each other

r/AITAH 7h ago

AITAH for telling my (23F) husband (23M) that I don’t want to have the same gender roles in our marriage as his parents (48F, 67M)?


Slightly confusing title, feeling a little bit like an AH. Throwaway so my husband doesn’t see this!

Some backstory: My husband “James” (23M) and I (23F) are newlyweds. I adore James, and am so happy to be his wife. James and I dated all throughout college, but both of us went to school far from our hometowns, so it took me a while to get to know his parents (48F, 67M) well. They are very sweet people.

As you may have noticed, there is a large age gap between my MIL and FIL. Long story short, they got married when she was 21 and he was 40 after dating for a few years. I know, not great. But not the point of this story. For the first 14 or so years of their marriage, my MIL stayed home taking care of James and his 3 younger siblings, while FIL worked as a pastor. About 10 years ago, MIL took a job as schoolteacher and started working very long hours (about 70-80/week during the school year). She still does this to this day.

This brings us to last night, when James and I were discussing a possible career change for me (I currently work as an assistant, but would love to pivot to the data science field, which is more related to my college degree). James (who works as an assistant for the local government) mentioned how he wanted us to follow a model like his parents did growing up - I stop working once we have kids, and start again after they’re a little older. He says that he could keep working full-time and providing for us, and that I would handle all the household tasks/childcare.

I was taken aback by this, as James hasn’t mentioned anything like this before. I told him that what his parents did wouldn’t work for us, and I didn’t want to emulate them for a multitude of reasons, like:

  • I have a degree in a field that is far more lucrative than James’
  • James is 23, not 40 like FIL was when he got married - and thus doesn’t have the financial means to “provide for me” currently
  • I like working
  • James and I have totally different skills than his parents - for example, I’m more financially savvy, while James is a better cook.
  • And, most importantly, I’ve witnessed how to this day, despite working 40-50 MORE hours/week than FIL, my MIL still has to handle ALL of the household tasks (cooking, cleaning, kid-related things, etc) herself, because FIL doesn’t want to/never bothered to learn. I don’t want that.

James was upset my my response, saying that I was implying that FIL is “lazy” and that I was “disparaging their marriage”. He thinks that this system worked well for them, so why wouldn’t it work for us? He is still upset with me today, meanwhile I feel a little blindsided by the whole thing. I didn’t mean to offend him, but this isn’t the life I thought we had agreed upon. AITAH?

EDIT: Someone suggested that I add, we did discuss this before marriage. We both agreed that it made sense for both of us to work (he doesn’t want to be a SAHD). I said that if we get pregnant way earlier than expected, I’m open to being a SAHM temporarily if that’s our best option.

r/AITAH 8h ago

Advice Needed Guy sends wife an inappropriate text


One of my wife's single male friends sent her a clip from an early 2000s TV show where a cop shows up to a house because of a noise complaint. Turns out the couple was having loud sex and their young daughter called the cops because "mommy" was screaming.

It's about a two minute clip filled in with the dad joking with the cop as the cop reads the report like, "yeah, she said that" and "keep it down", "I cant for another few minutes".... a bunch of stuff like that. Then the dad goes on to talk to the little daughter and his conversation with her is riddled with little jokes that answer her questions but can be taken two ways.

My wife innocently forwarded it to me and I asked who sent it, she text me the guys name so I messaged him this:

"Hey man, funny clip but inappropriate to send to my wife. Keep the sexually suggestive stuff to yourself."


Edit: Man, this thing took off!! I want to clear up a few misunderstandings... I talked to my wife before I messaged the guy. Also, he does borderline stuff often where I haven't "reacted." I don't ever think she'd do anything with the guy but I can't say the same for him. That's what this is about. It's more between me letting him know, "I see you!"

Edit: For those asking, it was not a group text. He DM'ed her.

r/AITAH 4h ago

AITA for not making a sexual disclosure to my husband


My husband (38m) and I (36f) have been married for six years. We have an excellent relationship in most respects, good communication. But I shared something with him that has been like a bomb dropped on our marriage -- I honestly didn't see it coming and don't know what to do.

He and I have been open about our past sexual histories with others, and most of the conversations happened before we were married. We never really went into a lot of detail, though. Last week while watching a documentary he asked me if I had ever had a sexual experience with more than one partner at once (he actually put it like, "you've never done that, have you?"). I was honest with him and told him that yes, before we met, I was with two men at once (an ex and a friend of his visiting from out of town).

He was completely thrown by this. He was surprised and disappointed I had never mentioned it, and had a thousand questions. Mainly he thinks it must have been a sort of traumatic situation, or that I was coerced into it somehow - he said he can't envision a threesome with two guys where the woman wasn't somehow "used." I said it was completely consensual, something I had always been curious about and when the opportunity was there, we took it.

He clearly cannot get past this. He brings it up daily, asks questions, and I find myself clamming up about it and/or telling him it was not a great experience (it actually was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of my life, completely unique).

AITA for not telling him about this earlier? I would love advice on how to get past this kind of thing. Talk it out, let it go or somewhere in between?

r/AITAH 10h ago

UPDATE-AITA for not inviting my brother on our family BBQ cookout because of my daughter?


This isn't much of an update to my last post. But there was a big fight. I can't tell all the details but I can say one thing is clear that my brother Frankie will not be near my daughter. My daughter is very upset because of the fight. Some people are still calling her a liar and an attention seeker but I can see how it is effecting her mental health. So, I have decided to cancel the cookout. Instead we (me, my wife, my son and my daughter) will go to a Korean BBQ instead. Hope this can cheer her up. I will give a full update about the whole thing later on. Take care.

r/AITAH 7h ago

AITAH for not wanting to be the rich childless aunt?


I really thought this rich childless aunt is just for reels and tiktoks to make fun. Like an overexaggerated character but I (f41) have noticed that my family have been treating me as such more and more and I don’t know how to feel about it.

1) My partner and I are never the center of any attention even if it’s something that has to do with us, like when we got engaged, my brother was late to the party because (he has children). I remember being 20 minutes late once for one of the kids’ birthday parties because I had work and I got reprimanded for being disrespectful.

2) Our wedding won’t be childfree because we are not as important as the children. Put in mind that they all had childfree weddings even the ones with children because “they needed a break from being parents on their special day”.

3) We are always expected to babysit, anytime, any day because we don’t have children so we can’t complain. If I say I don’t want to, I get asked, what are you doing with your life day in and day out without any meaning or purpose?

4) We are always expected to buy the most expensive gifts on each kids’ list. My partner and I are well off and we always hear that we don’t have “real” expenses like them.

5) My nieces already believe that my possessions like jewelry and designer stuff are theirs because they’re the ones who are going to inherit me anyway.

Am I overthinking it? This is not coming from only one or two but from both sides of the family. My 2 siblings and my partner’s 3 siblings. I have the feeling that they think I’m not as worthy, not an equal. My life is not as valid. I have started to resent it. I feel like I need to take care of more children than any parents I know because at least parents only are expected to take care of their children.

I have spoken to my partner about these feelings, especially after our engagement party that people were late to, and nobody even cared about us. I told him I didn’t want to be the rich childless aunt anymore. He wasn’t feeling the same disgust but he did understand me.

Would I be the ah if I put a stop to this. I’m child free for a reason. I think children are exhausting (nothing to do with love, I love my nephews and nieces to bits). I don’t want to babysit. I don’t want my life to be about them. I don’t want my wedding to be about them and I don’t want my death to be about them. I have always done charity work and I’m intending to leave everything to charity. My partner was so appalled by my decision but I told him that he could leave his money to the family and I’m not making him to donate anything but he is very upset (because I’m the one with the real fortune)

I need help. Ask anything you want me to clarify I won’t make this longer

r/AITAH 7h ago

AITAH for lying to my parents about being infertile?


I (25f) went to visit my parents this weekend and as usual my dad started talking about how I "need to find a man" because my "biological clock" is ticking and at this rate I'm destined to be an old spinster and will never get married or have kids. We have this conversation every time I visit every few months and I'm sick of it. I'm not child free and do want kids, but once I'm financially stable and am not working 60 hours a week to afford my rent.

I got very annoyed and snippy and told him that my gynocologist had told me last month I was infertile and I'm still "mourning all the children I'll never have" and him bringing up me having kids really hurt because the wound's still fresh. He actually apologized, as did my mom and the conversation ended.

But since then they've told all their friends who've been sending me messages about how sorry they are for my loss and how adopting is always an option. I'm beginning to feel bad for lying just to get out of an uncomfortable conversation.

r/AITAH 2h ago

Am I the AITAH for supposedly stealing attention from the bride and groom?


I (25F) am unmarried and live in a small town. My family is pretty big still and is mainly filled with kids raised by other family members. Young pregnancy here, affair baby there. I infact am the illegitimate guardian of my cracked out sister's kid. The father technically has custody but threw my niece out the house for "peace" and let me keep her unofficially to advoid court. It's just the unfortunate way things are around here but we try our hardest to keep family happy and drama free.

Well, last year my cousin Jay (M25-26?) Got engaged to Lisa (F young 20s), who we went to school with. Jay is the cousin on my mom's side. I don't talk to that side as much as they are little too judge, a little too biblically Live Love Laugh for me, but I love them still. So when Jay announced the wedding I congratulated him but did nothing more. However, I talked to my mom and turned out the wedding was more special than I thought. Not only was it the 1st wedding with newly weds (the few recent weddings were 2nd and 3rd marriages) it was taking place at a venue on a small lake.

I was impressed. Usually the weddings in the family are simple. Ceremony at church, party/BBQ in someone's back yard. But this actually piqued my interest. I got more info from Jay and got told the wedding would be in the late summer early fall, not too cold, not too hot. I also got an invitation where the theme was formal and we could just wear our church clothes as usual, and the date of the wedding would be August 24th of next year (THIS year). I said perfect, I took time off the day before, the day of, and the day after the wedding. I took my niece to get some prettier clothes because she didn't like her church dress that much.

It was all going great until 7months later in July of this year. That's when we were notified that it was child free. Everyone was freaking out, including me. We've all been planning, taking time off work, and getting clothes, only for this late announcement. For a week everyone was blowing up and talking about Jay and Lisa, I honestly could even talk to my mom as she would bring it up in a huff, even though her two kids have been grown. I personally felt no one was talking to Lisa properly so I personally called them and spoke to her.

I told her how late this decision was, how child prominent our family is. How she knows our town is 5,000 people large and there are no babysitters around. I told her how my 9yo niece can't be home during the day by herself like that. Lisa responded by going off on me. Saying I'm trying to guilt trip her, the family is manhandling her and Jay's choice, and that we just don't have to come. The decision was final. I tried to persuade her again but she just hung up.

After that I brought it up no more, I was honestly so upset that I used my PTO for an event that I can't even go too. But may my luck have it, on the first week of August my PTO for the wedding got denied, now I definitely couldnt go without my niece with me. To explain why, I'm an RN and work night shifts, I put my niece to bed then go to work, and I'm home by the time the school bus shows up. I'm not about to leave her for 24hrs and be as bad as her father.

Soon the week of the wedding arrived, me and my niece were chilling when she asked me if I was going to the wedding. I said no. She said "oh, man, I wanted bbq". I then said "there probably wouldn't be any, it's a very fancy wedding.". We had a little back and forth, but the end result was me planning a BBQ at my place for all those who couldn't attend the wedding. I chose the day of the wedding as many called off on that day and just kept it.

I called a few family members, I didn't imply anything, just asked if they were going, if they yes I left them be. If they said no, I invited them. On the day of the wedding my back yard was crowed. Uncle brought the grill, cousin got the ribs, auntie brought deviled eggs. It was the bomb, even some familyon my dad's side showed up.

Well, the wedding was at 5ish, but we started the grill at 12-1pm. It wasn't until we were Baby Ray's deep in food when the phone calls started. My aunt, Jay's mother, got a phone call. She was loud and everyone started to listen. I later asked and it basically went like this

Jay: Mama, where are you?

Aunt: at a BBQ at OPs place, why you ask?"

Jay: well I heard Mark (cousin) say you weren't here, why is that?"

Aunt: well the wedding was no kids under 18, and you know I have to watch your brother

Jay: He's 17YO he can watch himself what do you mean?

Aunt: and you could've watched after your family too hangs up

After that convo, Jay immediately called me. And that convo wasn't pretty either.

Me: yeah?

Jay: So you're just going to throw a party on my wedding day? If you had an issue with me you could've said that earlier

Me: I don't have an issue with you, you knew everyone has a child under them and had to call off work today.

Jay: So no one could get a baby sitter? No one? Yall had half a year!

Me: yall didn't tell anyone until a month ago, don't try that, ask your parents why they didn't show up!

I hung up too because I didn't want to deal with it. The day was super fun either way and I got to keep food for my night shift.

When I woke up the next day I saw my phone had blown up. I sleep with my phone on dnd as kid at school equals 8hrs of sleep. Look at the messages and it was filled with passive aggressive text from THAT side of the family. I just face plamed and sighed. They attended the party but now it was my fault for even throwing it in the first place. But I feel that I wasn't in the wrong at all, but as weeks passed and my mom keeps asking me to apologize to my cousin in law I just have to ask.

Am I the at fault?

r/AITAH 12h ago

AITAH for telling my wife to stop all contact with a group of friends over an emotional affair if she wants to fix our relationship?


I [26M] and my wife [F25] have been married for just under 2 years. We've been together over 5 years and we have a daughter together who is 1 next month. I started to see a change in our relationship about a month after our daughter was born when I went back to work. She became increasingly distant with me and more withdrawn. Any sorts of affection stopped and I just felt like I was worthless to her.

At the same time, she was spending an increasing amount of time on her maternity leave gaming with a group of online friends that she's known for a few years, most of which are male. I've never had a problem with this as I know the people in this group, but I felt like this group of friends was being put first before me. And at the same time, there was one person in particular from the group that she was talking to a lot of the time which I felt uncomfortable about.

When I confronted her the first time about how I felt, she had admitted she lost feelings for me after our daughter was born, but that she wanted to make things work and that there was nothing going on with anyone from this group and that I should trust her. However, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago I felt like things had not been improving. It was at this point that I checked her messages and found that she was having an emotional affair with someone from the group. I confronted her about this, and she admitted to it. She said that she had lost feelings for me as she said before, but that she then gained feelings for this other person and that she let it get out of control. She said she wants to fix our relationship as she's worried that she will lose me and everything that we've worked for and that she was so sorry for doing this to me.

I'm not convinced that she's telling the truth but I am willing to try and rebuild our relationship for the sake of our daughter and the fact that I do still love her, however I've told her that the only way that I'm going to be able to rebuild any form of trust with her is to stop all contact with this group of friends indefinitely and to not speak to them again. She thinks I'm not being fair about this.

So tell me, AITAH for asking her to do this for me?

r/AITAH 7h ago

Advice Needed AITAH For telling my parents they were horrible and saying they shouldn't have more kids?


Hi, first time posting. I (16m) was born when my parents were very young. Like my mother was 16 and my father was 17. Both families decided it would be the best for me if effectively my maternal grandparents raised me and my bio parents got to live their lives. That is not to say I didn't know who my actual parents where, this is not one of those situations like in movies where the mother pretends the daughter's child is actually her own, I and everyone knew who my progenitors were.

My father moved away when he was 18 but my mother remained in my grandparents house until she was 23 and I was around seven but that doesn't mean we were close. She always treated me more like an annoying little brother rather than a son; she didn't like spending time with me, never attended any of my school functions or showed interest in my academic work or took me to do any fun activities. Whenever I was talking about my day she would roll her eyes or change the topic to shut me up. When she moved out I barely saw her, she just came to family gatherings and said and awkward hi and not even look at me. It hurt even if by that point I already considered my grandparents to be more my parents than her.

My father was still living away (they weren't together at this point) but would come once or twice a year to visit his own family around the holidays and always made it a point to visit me and take me to do some sort of fun activities like going to the cinema or my favorite restaurant, things like that but to me he was more like an strange man than a dad because when I compared him to my friend's fathers who picked them up from school every day and went to their games and played with them on the weekends I didn't understand why this man who I saw maybe twice a year was supposed to be the same.

Anyway fast forward to a year ago. My father moved back to the same city where we live. He tried to hang out with me more often but I wasn't really interested although sometimes I complied. I don't hate him I just don't know him. I even had a bedroom in his apartment which is cool because he lives in the center of the city. Behind everyone's back both my parent's had started hang out and a couple months later they announced they were dating. It was a shock. They asked me to move in with them to my father's apartment which I refused but they argued that we could finally be a family. I was about to start an argument on them when my grandma just said that changing school districts would be very inconvenient and I could lose all my friends and the situation deescalated by itself although my parents didn't let go of the idea. My parents asked for me to spend more time with them and this was particularly frustrating because even though I never had any particular tension with my father I most definitely do with my mother, I don't like being around her and she's treated me poorly my whole life and I feel like she's now only trying to save face because she knows my dad wants me there.

Now onto the issue: Last week they both came into my grandparent's house. They announced they were going to buy a house nearby in the neighborhood so that I can finally move in with them. I immediately said no and when they said that changing schools would no longer be an issue I found myself in a corner and I said that was never the problem and that I just simply don't see them as my parents and don't want to live with them. That's when they dropped the bomb on us: Not only they wanted me to move in with them so we could be a family but my mother was pregnant so we were going to be a bigger family even. I was shocked and I blew my lid on them. I told them they were the worst parents in the world and that they abandoned me for 16 and now they were going to bring another child into the world and do the same to them? And they never apologized for treating me like garbage and like a mistake they made and making me feel like I wasn't supposed to exist and dumping me to be other people's responsibility and only now that they feel like they care they want to be my family. My mother screamed back at me telling me I was a brat and that she wasn't going to make the same mistakes twice raising her second baby and I told her she never raised me to begin with and my father said that they were young and trying to do the best they could. Well guess what the best you could was pretty effing bad.

I stormed out and went to my sobbing. I been very depressed for the last week. They have both called and texted since but I ignored them. My grandparents agree with me that I shouldn't move and that my parents shouldn't expect me to be all loving and forgiving after how they've treated me however they believe they are starting a new chapter of their lives now that they are more mature and stable which I guess leaves me behind. I've also had time to think that I'me the same age my mother was when she had me and what a huge responsibility that must've been however I still can't forgive them. AITAH for the way I reacted to the news?

Edit: Thank you everyone for the verdict of NTA. I feel better and it has somewhat cleared my mind. Also huge HUGE thank you to all that are commenting about how awesome my grandparents are. I'm planning on showing them this post so they can see how much everyone can see the amazing kind of people they are and they deserve all the love and appreciation I could possibly give them and more.

I've also come to the conclusion that I have a lot of resentments and unanswered questions as well as misgivings about the future that I need to set straight with primarily my father. He needs to know how I grew up and I need to know why he abandoned me, I also feel like I need to warn him about my mother because I am worried about my sibling being abandoned an mistreated like I was, so I'm preparing a list of points and questions that I want to bring up to him and we'll meet tomorrow or the day after and I'll confront him with all of these to hopefully get some sort of closure or resolution.

r/AITAH 7h ago

AITAH for telling my parents that I will not financially assist them or be their caregiver if they continue to allow my brother to not work or have any other responsibilities?


Since my post has been overrun by multiple bots, I'm deleting. I am counting dozens of stolen comments, especially evidenced by the fact that everyone is spelling the like "tje" and they like "tjey".

r/AITAH 22h ago

Advice Needed AITAH for blocking my husband and considerinf divoece after him not prioritizing our family?


For a little context, I have not been feeling very well. My physical health has been decaying because of my periods. I loose too much blood this affects my hemoglobin and the rest of the normal functioning of my body. Yes, I have seen the ob/gyn specialist but they find nothing wrong in my reproductive organs.

I got my period and went to the doctor's office because the pain was unbearable and I was loosing lots of blood. When I arrived, my blood pressure was on the limits of normal 100/60. Taking into consideration the amount of blood I was loosing. Doctors inmediately transfered me in ambulance to the nearest hospital. While I was being transported, I tried calling my husband and sent me directly to voicemail. I sent him text messages and no response. I then called my mom and my baby's nanny because I wouldn't make it home for a few hours.

I was treated by doctors, they inserted lots of needles but I was getting better. An hour later, my husband texted me back just saying that he hadn't seen his phone and asking how was I. I explained that my mom was with me at the hospital but our daughter was home alone with the nanny.

He then told me that he couldn't make it home either. No explanation, he just told me: "I wish I could and I would've gotten home early if I had seen the messages earlier, but unfortunately I didn't so I can't." Excuse me? Your wife is at the hospital. Your daughter alone with the nanny and why the heck he couldn't go take care of her. After demanding an explanation of what could be more important than his family he told me that he couldn't make it home because his male best friend needed help.

I was shocked. I felt unimportant and betrayed. Suposedly your family should be your number one priority. And we weren't his. I don't even care what his friend needed him for. I bet that could have waited in cases of emergencies like these.

I am writing this down from the hospital still, just trying to get it off my chest. I blocked him. I don't even know if I really want to talk with him about how he made me feel. I am considering separation and divorce. If I couldn't count on him today what assure me that this won't happen again?

So, am I the asshole?

r/AITAH 11h ago

AITAH for avoiding my best friend after sleeping with her?


I(18m) confessed my feelings to ‘Amy’(18f) after many years of hiding the way I truly feel. Told her I love her. She kissed me and we ended up having sex. However the next morning she said that she isn’t in love with me and wants to stay friends. She told me it was only out of pity that she did it with me.

So for the past few days I’ve been at another friend’s house, not responding to any calls or messages from her. My parents said she showed up the day before yesterday but didn’t visit yesterday so I’m probably heading home tomorrow. It’s just embarrassing to know she did it out of pity.

She did show up outside to ask if I’ve been here but ‘John’ lied to her on my behalf while I hid in his bedroom behind a closed door. Am I an asshole for hiding from her?

r/AITAH 19h ago

TW SA AITAH for leaving the restaurant and standing my ground as a parent? NSFW


A little backstory is needed here. My husband doesn't have a close relationship with his family. After my MIL passed away, his dad became even more distant, which is fine because they didn't have a good relationship to begin with. His 92 year old grandmother lives with his cousin, we'll call her Cindy. Cindy's husband is a convicted sex offender. He has more than one charge on his record for sex crimes against minors in a daycare setting (the day care my husband was in as a baby, and yes, there's definitely a possibility that he was a victim, but too young to understand or remember) and international kidnapping charges. We'll call him McNasty. The very day we found out we were expecting a child, we drew a very hard boundary that we would never allow our child in the same room with McNasty. Ever.

Now that that's out of the way, it's Father's Day weekend and we invited FIL and Grandma out for lunch to visit with our baby and celebrate. FIL has only seen him 3 times in his 9 months of life. We were excited to show him and Grandma how big he's gotten and that he says "dada" now. We arrived a few minutes late to the restaurant and I see FIL, Grandma, Cindy, and McNasty getting out of their vehicle. My head started spinning. I looked at my husband to gauge his feelings. We had a short talk and decided that we weren't staying. He agrees 100% with the boundary we set and has no intention of changing that to appease others. My husband waits until the family is seated and goes inside. He tells them that, "something came up" and we are unable to attend lunch with them. Cindy looks sad and asks what happened. Not wanting to make a scene, my husband simply said, "I think you know." Husband came back out to the car with FIL, who wanted to speak to me. He started off by saying, "I don't want to argue with you, but we're in a public place." I said, "There's no argument to be had. We don't allow known convicted sex offenders around our child. Period." Now FIL won't speak to us, along with the rest of the family. So, AITAH?

r/AITAH 10h ago

Advice Needed AITAH for telling my wife I don't want her sister and her friend living with us


So this goes back a few months when my wife and I got married.

We had found a house in our budget and then added that her sister would like to move with us. Immediately I said no because we need to have the time together away from everyone and their problems they involved us in. She let her move in despite what I said.

After a few months we took a trip back home and had no choice to take her sister with us. Her sister then decided to stay and I was like, "hell yes now we can have to house to ourselves"(what else does newly weds want right?) Then we had gone into the room and bathroom her sister used......

Holy shit. It was awful. Just. Bad. Gross. Infested with bugs, dirt everywhere, makeup everywhere.

Now my wife wants to let her and her friend stay till "they can find a place" and they'll both be newly 18 and no credit, haven't met each other in person nothing. Online friends.

I want to tell my wife that she needs to value my opinion but also can't think of a tactful way to say it. I love her and our daughter but can't stand her sister.

Tldr; wife wants her sister and her Internet friend move in our house and they're pigs.

Edit: I typed that first part in a hurry.

Some more things....

My wife feels as though we need to help every person we know with the slightest struggle and that has put us out money because I agreed the first time because it was people we were close with and like $50.

She gets upset when she has to take care of our daughter when I'm tired or has some reason for me to be up(if she's having that time of the month and she hurts yes I will choose to not sleep only because of that). Then if I do that she gets upset that I let her sleep and thinks I'm overwhelmed taking care of our baby. Which isn't that difficult to feed her, bathe her, play with toys, and do things with her next to me. She behaves surprisingly well for being less than a year old. But that's besides the point.

I know her ex and what he was like. She won't tell me all of it but enough that any normal guy would unalive him for what he's done. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. He complained about everything, abused her, forced her to do things, etc. I'm definitely NOT making excuses, just trying to understand what's causing this behavior.

She also walks away from stress. She'll walk away if I confront her about anything. Or she'll just give me the silent treatment.

POST CONVERSATION UPDATE: I got home from my class and talked to her. Part of it was my misunderstanding. And yes a lack of communication from her end....

We discussed it more. She had talked to her more after I shut the door to my office and tried to chill out some last night. I told her I felt like my opinion wasn't taken into consideration, that it's out house and she needs to remember that. She is being understanding of that so far and that she can't make random comments and consider me hearing the conversation as us talking about it.

She told her that there will be rules and that if she comes back in our house, she will be promptly getting a job and paying 1/4 of our rent. I'm going to come up with my rule list (including a rigorous cleaning schedule) that will be posted in several places and be making a written agreement for rent, chores, responsibilities in this house. (If I gave to bring out the basic training part of me best believe I'm not afraid to if that's what it will take.) Just like I would with my own family or friends if they came to live with us. I feel as though this is something we need to work on our communication with.

We're both still learning each other and aren't the kind of people to live with each other before being married. And also not the ones to just divorce and forget our problems(so stop with those comments please and thank you.) We've worked through other things and resolved past issues that have come up. Hell, she helped set up my office so I'd have somewhere to go of I needed a few minutes to myself or need to relax alone.

She also has health problems as well that we can't ignore so that's why her taking care of our daughter can be difficult, not that she doesn't want to. It's not mental health related either to clear the water. There are things the doctor is trying to figure out and hopefully not the c word. We're waiting for a call from the doctor.

I appreciate the comments, advice, and have taken some into consideration. If anything else happens I'll make an update.

r/AITAH 7h ago

AITAH for not wanting to help a low income single mother?


I recently got a gym membership. I get off work, pick my 2 boys up from daycare, drop them off at the gym's babysitting service, do my workout, pick them up, rush home to make supper and get them to bed. (It's a busy 3 hours, but it's the best time to go.)

Last week after my workout I run into a woman I recognized from college. We were not friends, but both participated in the same Bible study organization. As I'm picking up my boys we both pause to acknowledge we recognize each other. A second later she says, "I can't find my son, can you give me a ride home?" I tell her I'm in a hurry, but if she lives close that I could.

I start for the door, carring my 8 month old and with my 2 year old in toe. She's not following. She asks where she can meet me once she finds her son. I'm confused, as I thought I was giving her a ride because her son wasn't there to give her a ride. (She is older than me, plus some people my age have teenagers.) But I now realize she's picking up her son from the daycare and I'm committed to giving both her and her son a ride. (She said she missed her bus because the staff took so long to get her kid.)

As she and her son (about 5 years old) get into my van she asks of we can stop at the dollar store. I remind her I'm in a hurry. I ask for directions to where we are going (meaning her home). Soon I realize we're at the dollar store. As I park I make it clear I'm staying in the car and she needs to be quick. She asks me for $5.00...quickly piling on request after request, more than I bargained for. (I did not have cash to give her.)

Thankfully the stop was quick and I drop them off at their apartment like 2 blocks away. During the drive I learn she also works at the daycare her son attends (in the same building as my gym). So, this means that she will be getting off work and picking her son up at the same time as me. I begin to suspect this request for a ride might be a regular thing.

Sure enough...she been there and asked for a ride twice now. I've been running later than normal on both those occasions, so had no choice to say no. But really I don't want this to be a regular thing, nor do I want to feel bad telling her no. I feel bad, but should I...AITAH?

r/AITAH 1d ago

TW SA AITAH for not believing my daughter when she said she was SA'ed?


Obligatory throwaway, before we start. Sorry, this is so long. It's about a 5-year stretch, and there's a lot to unpack here. Also, TW for sexual assault.

So, this is a long story. I'm going to try to give some background info before we begin. My wife(50f) and I(52) male, have three daughters; Ali(28), Bea(23) and Ellie(20) (Fake names). This mostly centers around Ellie and starts in 2018.

Around the beginning of summer, my wife lost her job. A month later, my mother passed away, meaning that I had to put my dad into a home, due to his dementia. They lived three states over, so the arrangements for my mother's things and my dad's care were complicated, and there was quite a bit of travel, which my wife mostly took care of since I was working a lot more to cover without her income. On top of that, my (estranged) sister was challenging my mother's will, and Bea was getting ready for college. When it rains, it pours, except it was hailing, and I'll admit, we expected Ellie(15 at the time) to take care of herself quite a bit more than she was used to.

She skipped school a few times and became more moody, but we chalked it up to being a teenager. We put her into a counselling program through the school and tried to be there a bit more, but it was hard with everything else going on. It didn't help. She started getting worse. Once my wife got a new job, I went to visit Ali and Bea for a week, but I was called two days later by my wife, who told me that Ellie had been self-harming. I cut my trip short and came home. Ellie told us it was because a boy had been picking on her, and she didn't know what to do. We called the school, switched her classes to minimize their interactions, and changed her counselling from once a month to bi-weekly, which was the most we could get right then.

One day, she came home and told us that she'd gone over to the neighbor's house to help him rake leaves and that he'd invited her in, then groped her. We were horrified and called the cops, who came over. But they told us our neighbour wasn't home, and a look at his Facebook showed that he'd left to stay in Mexico for the winter three weeks prior to this. When we confronted her, she changed her story to the incident happening before he left. We were unsure what to do with this and left it alone.

The behavior ramped up after this. She started self-harming every time me or my wife went away for more than one night. She began skipping school more frequently and drinking and smoking with her friends. We applied for her to see a therapist outside of the school, but she resisted heavily, even running away at one point. CPS got involved, which was beyond nightmarish. Along with this, there were more accusations. She claimed that 2 girls had attacked her at her locker at school, that a male teacher had invited her into his classroom and propositioned her, and that a male student had assaulted her in the girls' bathroom. Each time, security footage disproved them. We got another call from CPS and found out that she'd been making abuse accusations against us as well, along with other people that we were unaware of. We were forced to send her to live with my uncle while we worked them out. But she got sent home to us after telling people that he forced her to watch porn on his laptop. Again, it was found that he didn't own a laptop, and her story changed to his phone.

We began talking with a family therapist who specializes in cases like this, as well as one who works with troubled teenagers. We were told that my daughter's actions were a cry for attention and that the accusations would stop if they were ignored. We followed the advice that was given to us and found her a therapist that she liked. The behavior slowly started to go away, and nearly dropped off after she came out to us as a lesbian. We were warned that there was a chance for it to return after a big life event. This was in 2020.

In early 2021, Ali's son was born. Our first grandchild. Ali lives about 4 hours away, so there was quite a bit of travel again, and Ellie had to stay home due to her schoolwork. It was a bit stressful as there were a lot of complications during Ali's pregnancy and birth. Her husband is a very nice man, but he's disabled, and he needed a bit of help since Ali was on bed rest for most of her third trimester. Around this time, she told us that her friend's dad had felt her up and tried to kiss her while she was staying over. We were very skeptical of this due to what had happened before.

The behavior from before picked back up, and became even worse. This time, it was too much for us, and we sent her to finish the second semester of Grade 12 at a special school for troubled kids. She came home from there much better than when she left. She left for university in the fall of 2021, and we've heard nothing about the accusations she made until recently.

About a month ago, she sent us an article about her friend's dad, who had been arrested for molesting his daughter and multiple friends of hers. My wife and I feel awful, especially since Ellie usually calls once or twice a week, and we've heard nothing since then. Attempts to reach out have been met with hostility. I feel like such a failure of a father right now.


Edit: Thank you to everyone who's responded so far. I see several people mentioning further therapy for my wife and me, and Ellie. I have never considered therapy for just the two of us, but I have offered to pay for Ellie's in the past. I think I will talk about it with my wife, as well as reach out to Ellie with further apologies and another offer, and then give her time to respond on her own. Thank you again.

r/AITAH 9h ago

AITAH for watching porn??


I'm happily married and my wife and I have 4 kids together. I've been working out a lot lately and for some strange reason I find myself as horny as I was when I was 18 (I'm 42 now). My wife on the other hand rarely seems to be in the mood and she finds the thought of looking at porn disgusting and I think even an indirect way of cheating. I've playfully suggested we watch it together but that was shot down quickly. AITAH for watching porn/sneakily taking care of myself? I don't want to grow to resent my wife but there are definitely times when I wish she was more into fooling around like we used to.

r/AITAH 8h ago

Advice Needed AITAH for being done with my family after an upcoming funeral.


I, 45 f, have an older sister and brother that are very close. They go on trips together with their spouses etc without extending an invitation which is fine. My brother’s son had a baby in March that was born very ill. The decision had been made to end his life 2 days ago due to the doctors stating that there was nothing more that they could do for him.

My sister and I were supposed to go see him on Sept 9th when they opened it up for visitors since he was at the end of his life. My sister had arranged the visit then called me the morning of the 9th saying that she thinks we will be intruding and taking time away from my nephew and his wife seeing the baby. I went with her decision and did not go see the baby. I went on a preplanned trip to the Dominican Republic on the 10th for my birthday. While on vacation my sister text me saying that she went to see the baby on the 10th and how thankful she was that she was there for them etc. I told her that I felt like she intentionally made the choice to talk me out of going the only day that I could then went the next day to look good and make me look bad.

I had asked about the funeral arrangements from the first call regarding the plan to take him off of life support. They kept saying they would let me know once everything was finalized. I asked for the 5th time yesterday and was told that everyone had hotel arrangements made for this Friday so they could go to the two viewings Friday and funeral Saturday. I was then given the information about locations and times.

I was bothered by the fact that even extended family knew and had a room booked etc before I was even notified and I was only told because I asked again.

I debated if I was going to go to the funeral or not and decided I would go. I am going to show up right on time and leave as soon as the service ends. AITAH for not sticking around after the funeral and cutting ties with them for the way that they treat me?

r/AITAH 19h ago

Advice Needed AITA for not apologizing to my fiancé during a medical emergency??


I (24f) and my fiancé (24m) were on a road trip to the Midwest, and for a bit of background we stopped in Iowa to visit an old high school friend of his who we will call T. In the past it wasn’t uncommon for me to have UTIs frequently and on this trip I forgot my medication. Earlier in the day I felt some discomfort and recognized what was happening and did the usual drink lots of water, heating pad, and any other at home remedies.

While hanging out with my fiancé, T, and T’s girlfriend we started up conversation and without me noticing my fiancé said “I love you”, but I didn’t hear it. I felt a bit more uncomfortable later on in the conversation and the abdominal pain got worse so everyone left the room except for my fiancé. He was watching TikTok’s and as I tried to talk to him he kept ignoring me, wouldn’t make eye contact, and every time he would say something it would be one word. I was trying to get his attention because something seriously felt wrong. Soon I was on the floor, crouched over, feeling lightheaded, nauseated, and trying to text one of my friends who works as a ICU nurse. I felt very weak and could barely lift my head up.

My fiancé is still ignoring me and now it’s been about 25 minutes of me struggling to get his attention just being 5 feet away.finally he tells me that he’s mad at me and I am guessing why. Truly had no clue what was going on. He erupts and says I ignored him when he said “I love you” and he doesn’t want to be around someone who won’t say it back, telling me he has no problem finding another way getting back home and I can go make the 13 hour drive back. I tried to reassure him saying I love you ect but he wouldn’t budge. At this point I’m going in and out of consciousness.

T comes in and sees me on the floor slumped over and asks if I’m okay. My fiancé answers before I can and tells him everything is fine. T questions him again and asks if he’s hiding anything, my fiancé declines. Once T left the room my fiancé finally comes over to me and tries to carry me to the bathroom so I’ll throw up in the toilet. Carries me back over to the bedroom and tucks me in, then goes into the living room to drink beer and watch the game with his friends. T comes in the bedroom and finds me not responsive . I’m taken to the hospital.

Found out the UTI made its way up to my kidneys. My fiancé said he thought I was just faking to get out of the argument and said if I just said sorry it wouldn’t have gotten to that point. I barely remember the discussion and I’m going off of his memory. I do feel bad for not hearing him say I love you but I’m upset he didn’t look after me when I wasn’t okay and needed help. I’m not sure if I’m being a tad narcissistic here, AITA?

r/AITAH 17h ago

AITA For refusing to be okay with my GF becoming a “Sugar Baby”


Recently my GF saw people talking about being Sugar babes and she was interested, she asked me if I would be okay with this and to her surprise I’ve said no, AITA? I don’t feel comfortable with my GF talking to other people like that and going on dates with these people.

r/AITAH 1d ago

AITA For Refusing To Share Pizza With My Pregnant Wife?


I (41m) was vacationing in the tropics with my pregnant wife (37f) entering the third trimester - a last minute babymoon if you will.

Wife has underlying health issues, which luckily didn't complicate the pregnancy, but this caused delays getting clearance to travel.

My FIL was kindly hosting us for this trip (he lives there), and touring us around the island. This is not my idea of a dream holiday but it worked well, due to the last minute nature of the trip, minimal planning was required on our part, we just had to pack a bag and show up. He was also covering majority of our expenses, such as meals, and my alcohol.

On this particular day, FIL had taken us out on a day trip to the north point. My wife wasn't particularly interested in going there but obliged so I could experience it. The plan was to stop for lunch on our way back.

We arrive at the restaurant and discussing the menu. I was ordering a pizza. Wife wanted to order a fruit smoothie for the fiber (because she was having bathroom difficulties as a result of the pregnancy travel - she was backed uppp). Realizing a smoothie wasn't a proper lunch with no protein she asked if she could have a slice of the pizza I was ordering. I was reluctant it would be enough food for me, and expressed this, but she insisted it was just 1 slice and told me it would be plenty food for me. I compromised and said ok, she can have a slice but then I will order a second entre for myself off the menu. She tried denying me a second entre, because her father is picking up the tab, and told me I don't need that much food. After more back and forth, realizing I was not going to budge, she relented, and decided to forego the smoothie to order something else off the menu she'd enjoy less but it was more substantial (with less fiber).

Our food arrived, the pizza was larger than I expected and I barely finished half. Wife was fuming she could have ordered the smoothie she wanted after all, and had a slice of my pizza, and there'd still be leftovers. I don't like how she tried to control what food I was ordering. She was trying to tell me that "she told me so" but never once did she indicate the pizza would be so large. She also said ordering 2 entres would have been so disrespectful to her father who is picking up the tab, nobody needs 2 entres for lunch on somebody else's dime, she said it was embarrassing.

I have never apologized for this. AITA?

r/AITAH 8h ago

NSFW AITAH for having s*x with my lesbian roommate when I identify as straight?


Ok throwaway because I feel ashamed and so guilty. My (f30) flatmate(f25) is lesbian. I identify as straight because I get turned on by men. My flatmate is very free and she says she has high libido. Anyway one night we had wine and she ended up going down on me. I didn’t do anything in return and she didn’t ask either. Now it happens on the regular almost every night. I don’t do anything on her but she does. She is always the initiator and since I don’t get turned on by women she puts on hetero porn.

She says I turn her on and honestly she gives me the strongest orgasms. Last night we had a party at our place and one of the guests (f30) got very upset and disgusted by me when she found out our “arrangement” she called me an ah and that I’m using my flatmate. I was taken aback and very distraught because taking advantage of people is the last thing I want to do. This woman is lesbian and she said this is something straight women often do, use them and take advantage of them. I have been crying since last night

r/AITAH 1d ago

AITAH 31f for sending my ex 38m new girlfriend 22f who he cheated on me with a thank you card


AITAH 31f for sending my ex 38m new girlfriend 22f who he cheated on me with a thank you card. So he decided he needed time to think one day and never returned home. I had to find him to get a explanation as to why he left. (He just couldn’t do it anymore he loved me but not like that) I recently found out he was cheating on me for the past four months so Iv sent a card to the ‘new partner’ thanking her for taking him off me and allowing me time to work on myself. Iv also told her I know they were cheating (I’m not sure if she was even aware).

r/AITAH 1d ago

Sexual content involving minors. AITA for not inviting my brother on our family BBQ cookout because of my daughter?


So, our family has this big BBQ cookout once every 2 months. People take turn on whose house it is going to be next. This time it is in our house. These events are really big in our family, almost like a festival so, everyone closer to us will come. Recently, my daughter who is 13 years old, seemed really upset and tried to make it postpone or just to avoid it. Which is odd because she loves these family cookouts. She wouldn't tell me the reason until she finally did.

She said she is not comfortable with her uncle Frank, my brother. I asked her why she thinks like that. She says he gives her weird vibes. Some things he does that really makes her uncomfortable- hugging her tight, holding her waist gently, always gives some excuses to be near her, she claims she caught him looking at her chest. He also makes comments like- "you are going to be a heart breaker.", "you are turning into a really beautiful woman", "You are mature for your age". Last cookout he asked her if she has kissed anyone. When she was shy he told her "don't worry, I won't tell anyone. It will be our secret." I asked her would she be comfortable if we do not invite him? She agreed to that.

I did just that. I only invited my mom, my dad, my younger brother and my sister. Frank knew that I didn't invite him. I just said what my daughter told me. Frank took it as an offense and said my daughter is lying. In fact she was the one who always comes onto him. I told him, I cannot have him around her. I am sorry but I have to respect my daughter's boundaries. The whole family is divided. But most of them took Frank's side. They think my daughter is just lying for attention. I can tell she is not lying because I heard her crying because she thinks her family hates her. I told her that is not the case and not to blame herself.

My brother said since Frank hasn't done anything it would be unfair to uninvite him because what he said was just words. Not like he meant it. And just tell my daughter to stay away from him if he makes her uncomfortable. The only person is on my side is my wife. She is sure Frank is showcasing predator behavior towards our daughter. She was groomed when she was a teenager and says this is exactly how it starts. I don't know. I do want my daughter to feel safe. Frank has never shown any type of predator behavior. In fact I heard him say a lot of times that Pedophiles should be sentenced to death. He is over protective of his own daughter. But on the other hand I cannot ignore my daughter's feelings. Did I do something wrong here?

r/AITAH 6h ago

Advice Needed AITAH for telling my GF I'm ok with her getting a massage


My gf(25F) asked me(30M) if I would be cool if she got a massage. I said yes I'd be fine if you decided you wanted to get a massage and also offered to give her massages (which I already do) if she needs them. This was apparently an incorrect response. She began to get upset and stated that she wished I was more protective over her and due to my answer it feels like I do not care about "strangers putting their hands all over her". She then proceeded to say there's no wrong answer though and started to cry. She went on to say that even though I do not care about relationships (which is not true whatsoever) that she does and started going off about my past relationships. Frankly, I am genuinely confused, did I do something wrong here?

For some background I was previously married (now divorced). She consistently compares herself to my ex-wife who hasn't been in my life for over 5 years. We have no contact whatsoever.